Sunday, April 03, 2011

Fire In the Bones

But to have received so much and not able to pour it out.
Consumed but only I get to benefit.
Set ablaze and not spreading more of his warmth.

I slowly grasped and I'm humbled, that I have received so much. So so much. That the only reason I can give is because I have first received. I can only love because I have first embraced His love.
I am stuck... Not because I am not giving it all but because he is giving me so much, that my outlet is not big enough for his input. Its refreshing and painful that I CANT OUTGIVE HIM.
I need this penned down because of the next adventure into a foreign land. I come face to face with this issue once more. That I wish to do so much more, give so much more. But I am limited, constrained and restricted by the boundaries emplaced by authorities which I have to love and respect. It has been like this in every platform I have stood.
There is must be more than this. Consuming Fire, fanned into flame, a passion for His name.
I am desperate, thirsty and ravenous...that I cant contained, to give it all. Because He has ALWAYS always been enough.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

A Speech that made us proud

I would want to post this speech and the following reflections up as a reminder and lesson. As my cadets days finally comes to an end, Torrents of gratitude, appreciation and thankfulness keeps flowing in my heart. The moments, training, hardships, victories and more importantly, people. Wrong... the BROTHERS whom we shed blood tears and sweat together.

Coming into 59th EOCC, fresh from Infantry training in Service Term, the truth is that the 73 of us didn't know what to expect. We hadn't heard much about Engineers before that; in fact, many of us didn't put Engineers as our first choice. As the course progressed, we grew increasingly confused. I mean, what do Combat Engineers really do?

Often we wondered if we were just infantry , perhaps able to build bigger wire obstacles, clear minefields faster, perform demolition tasks, but ultimately with smaller guns

During AE phase, we thought that we were armour with our tracks, wheels and mobility with more stores, but less firepower.

For awhile some of us CBRE cadets began to think, perhaps we're some kind of non-conventional ops taskforce doing work that no one really knows about.

At our lowest points, though, we felt that all we would ever be doing was support. Supports arms supporting the manoeuvre in their action. No combat. No Fun. And alot of studying.

Even towards the end of the course, after our summary exercises during Crescendo, many of us were still searching. Where was the chiong sua and adrenaline? Where were the defining moments, a bangalore breaching the wire before the charge or the successful capture of objective after a quick flank at dawn? Where were the events that all of us could gather round? At the end of the day, we realised the truth, there were none.

We realised that 5 specialisations that made too many for your typical run-of-the-mill course summex. We realised that the amount of equipment, the types of ops we learnt about, though they were all interesting in their own way, they were just too many, too diverse. But in fact, the traits we pride ourselves on, physical and mental endurance, meticulous planning & creative thinking, and good teamwork, were all built up day by day, week by week; exercise by exercise.

So what 59EOCC found instead was that each of us had our own moments. For some, it was the sense of accomplishment when a 100m wire obstacle was set up properly or when the platoon finally finished a 12am to 6am minefield. It could have been a sect comm deploying a Class 30 after 5 tries in the noon sun to provide mobility for vehicles or it could have been finishing a short track way bridge 4min on our first try to that infantry could cross gaps.

Maybe it was wearing a bomb-suit for the first time, defusing an IED under pressure. Maybe it was completing a 4km MOPP4 route march in the required hour to condition ourselves to chemical warfare. Maybe riding a boat or an M3G, the wind blowing in our faces as we prepared for force projection across water bodies.

For some, defining moments were about finishing a complex operations like protect works for explosives; for others, simple things were enough to make an impact. For some, defining moments were happy moments; for others, they were sad. But we came to realise that even as the course defined us, the cadets of 59 EOCC we defined our own course as well, through all the experiences, big and small, easy and painful, happy and sad, that we had.

So finally we found the answer. This is what Engineers are about - embracing unity in all our colourful diversity and for us, this unity is as simple as the bonds that we built together, the memories we created together, all the time we shared as a wing. Our course didn't happen with a single exercise or a single defining moment; it was built like an engineering task, advancing and overcoming each little obstacle over the 21 weeks till we finally found ourselves here.

I greatly appreciate Hui Mun for this, as he reminded me, it isn't just the defining moments and circumstances that bring the best out of me. But my best defining each moment and circumstance. I stand proud to be his brother, and fellow Engineer.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Gradual Increase in Force

EX CRESCENDO, the final phase of an officer cadet. The A levels for a JC student. The last 100m of the marathon. This is the final assessment to test our knowledge, capability, leadership, mental toughness and our spirit. Crescendo, a word associated to music, "a gradual increasing in volume, loudness and force" speaks loads on the coming exercise how difficult it will be. The pressure, stress and little sleep will not only push us more to our limits but to sharpen the character within.

This is my last shout as a cadet, my last sprint. To lead inspiring command, to excel in all I do, to overcome not just obstacles but my struggles. To be once again having appointment is both perplexing and humbling. I have gotten appointment ever since BMT, to be in charge and hopefully blazing a trial. Platoon Commander in OCS, PT IC in ETI, Store IC in CBRE and now Platoon Commander in this exercise. Worse, staying long periods being in charge really makes u be stretched more and more.

Never to back down blessing, Never surrender to circumstances. To train aggressively to have that mentality was humbling and it was only forged as me being a leader. Seeing new purpose and freshness in what I do, God was right, there is a time for everything, I will know when I am finished with this.
I believe the appointment holders for this Exercise will be further tested for the Sword of Honour/ Merit Calibre or the Engineer Officer Advance Course. If I manage to be part of this range of leaders I will be an OC/Captain of a Company for NSman in future. Its not just a higher rank but a higher platform to be a blessing, a wider sphere of influence to be an inspiration. Thus I will not waste such an opportunity.

Pray for me guys, I will go there foaming but come back victorious. Its not just being tested but me be sharpen into character. Its not just my capabilities but me needing God. Its not just me excelling but me advancing his Kingdom. Amen.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

My Desire

I cant help but demand a challenge...A desire, reinforced by my call. I am not satisfied by what I am already doing... Lord, I want to do more. See more. Live more.

Friday, March 26, 2010

A Bruised Reed

Once a tall reed now slanted and bent

Could u hear her cries, her laments?

Seeking hands strong and tender

Is there such power and splendour?

A Saviour ran and came

A love so sure, taking all the shame

Her life has changed, once again tall

Now her desire is to live like Him...

More and More

Sunday, February 07, 2010


Among all my thoughts, all my wants, all my feelings. I have only ONE desire and thats to do the will of God, to project & advance His Kingdom, to respond His Call for my life. Weirdly, I question myself, why am I feeling like this? Is it right? Don't my needs matter? What about me?

Slowly, progressively I am starting to feel something I never felt before. To be so consumed, To want to be so focus in doing what I have to do, who I have to BE. But among all this, did I lose myself? Lose my needs? Is it right? Is this who I have to be?

Sometimes I wish I do not need to need... BUT No...It is because of God I have my needs in the first place. Needs are powerful, important and essential. On what perspective do I see needs? Do I need to fool around? Do I need to live for my own? No...I need Him, I need to steady myself, I need to do His Will, I need the people around me, I need to love, hope and believe. I need... to need. IF I do not need Need... I do not need God.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Service Term: Service Doesn't end here

My service term has officially ended, being posted to Combat Engineer vocation, different environment and a whole new set of training. To b honest, I am shocked and doubtful is this suitable for me? My instructors, buddies and myself were sure I would get Infantry not because I am capable but because I am passionate in being in the front lines of the war inspiring command and control on my men, charging up mountains. But God has different plans, and I struggled unable to comprehend HIS ways. But you know what... Who am I to say my plans for myself or ways are higher than His? He made me, He called me, HE chose me to do my part for the desert I be placed...

But it's important that I must ask WHY. Two years ago, I be satisfied by just obeying, but I believe God has raise me to the level of faith that I do not just obey but a NEED TO UNDERSTAND HIM. Obeying raises your faith, understanding Him raises u as a whole. And I believe for that answer to come I must do well, excel and respond to the call which He gave me.

My time in Golf Wing has really been fruitful, I made alot of friends that I can depend on with my life. Supporting each other, accomplishing objectives selflessly, sacrificing for the benefit of the platoon. Such times are like the light among the darkness. One particular friend Hairul a half Malay I say half because he is malay yet nothing like malay. He's interesting because hes somebody I can trust with my life. How the last & biggest Mission of our term, he was Platoon Sarge and i am Platoon Commander how we coordinate, plan and lead really was enjoyable. Concidentally, both of us were the top 2 in the service term. Although we went separate ways, and wanted to get into guards together. I am sure he will do well even if all the chiongsters are not there with him.

Forging ahead on the next Professional term, setting the new goals due to the unexpectant plan from God. I am determined the be the Thirst Quencher among all the explosives and chemicals users. Officership has become a lifestyle and build ontop of my foundation being a Christian. Its a lifestyle that cause to u be a role model to the society with deteriorating morales to possess good character. To make and be the difference. Lord...thank u still for this opportunity and platform to serve U.